04.19.05

I’ve seen the light … the Gomery Inquiry has shown me the way.
Some people are getting their knickers in a knot over the sight of seedy bureaucrats and syphilitic ad executives revelling smugly in their underhanded dealings.
But not me, I say: “bring it on”, and not in a semi-embalmed John Kerry drone, but from between the clenched teeth of my best fox-eating-shit-out-of-a-wire-brush grin.
The way I see it, the Liberal cronies are mapping out a brave new world for Canadian economics. I think we can all agree that we’d like a little bit of that action.
What pisses most of us off is that only a select group of bloated, white whales are getting the cut of our tax dollar. However, if you shift the paradigm to the new Gomereconomy and spread that sugar around, you’ll see that we’d all be a lot happier.
Here’s my Gomeresque Revenue Canada rethink: I do up my tax return and send it along to my conscientious tax agent (who shall henceforth be known as my personal lobbyist).
The lobbyist decides my case, like every other that has crossed their desk that day, deserves a little something extra for supporting the ruling party of the day with my hard earned taxes.
They decide, on my behalf, that I made a 10 per cent “overpayment”. They pass that on to me provided I cut them one per cent of my ten for their valuable position inside the federal castle.
It sounds a lot better to me than my first take on the mountain of filth which our well-paid parliamentary representatives and their scurrying toadies wallow in on a daily basis.
Because I’ll admit, my initial reaction upon seeing this rogues gallery of corrupt plutocrats was to find a sharpened stick and start digging through their intestines to see if they’d hidden any of our money drug-mule style.
But I’ve come to realize that’s not the Canadian way. From now on, this citizen dick is following the example of our ruling elite, because when you get right down to it, I’d rather be crooked than be taken for a shmuck.